


of sheet music and gold stars

by sugartina



Category: Glee
Genre: Character Study, F/F, F/M, bisexual rachel berry, glee season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 01:12:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7824370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugartina/pseuds/sugartina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a brief tiny exploration of rachel berry, circa early season one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	of sheet music and gold stars

Her hands are used to flicking through sheet music, mouthing silently to words, the slight hum of the notes at the back of her throat. It’s been hidden, from pillow forts to the back of the lunch room, curled against a wall, eyes darting from the paper every line, wary of the sharp, cruel laughs.

Her lips curve to every song. Her eyes always closed when performing at home, imagining the crowds enraptured in silence, from merely the sound of her voice. When she’s on a stage proper, it’s even better – they’re not silent, compelled to gasp. She smiles at that, and if her voice grows even bolder, she doesn’t mention it later.

She exercises, devotedly, but has never been good at gym. Her coordination in dance would translate well to sports, if it weren’t for the fear that undercuts it, the refusal for leeway. Eventually, she stops asking to join, keeps to the back, avoids the ball, moves around enough that the teacher doesn’t notice. She can’t help but stare at a stunning girl, hair locked in a high pony, as she dances across the field, leading the cheerleaders. Can’t help but feel a pang of longing for someone she knows by all rights she should hate. Because that’s how it works, how it’s always worked.

She’s never been in love, not properly. Fleeting crushes are dust in the wind, compared to that sweeping, encompassing love, heart swelling someone already wonderful turning to pure light – and more than that. Less than that. Not only perfect, but nice, kind, a good person. She hears it so often from other girls, that it’s not true, simply manufactured plastic emotion, packaged for young girls. Believes herself so naive for hoping that it exists. Knows it’s self-defeating, that she’s causing her own loneliness. Craving it regardless.

She sings _On My Own,_ remembers the hateful comments, the ice cold in her hair, sings it bolder. She wonders, as to why her heart flutters so much when she sees the strong arm of a football player,  as he laughs with his friends. The sharp smile of the goth girl, face framed with blue highlights, doodling every lesson of maths. The fluttering skirt of the head cheerleader, smile almost real enough to fool most.

The hurt is bundled up. With as much of the loneliness she can gather - some escapes, of course. It's placed on a bedding of doubt, then doused in motivation. She sparks a flame of drive, makes sure it hasn't turned to bitterness before dropping it on. It ignites in a ball of hope, that soon shrinks to a burning ember, sometimes lasting long enough, often not.

But as the words come out of her mouth - perfectly formed, even when they're not - and her eyes clasp shut in habit, the minor flicker of her fire is the brightness of a star, filling her heart with light. And there's the risk of crumbling to ash, but she takes it, every time - because if she doesn't, it'd be even _worse._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure what this is, but i have a lot of rachel berry feelings tonight.


End file.
